Your husband cannot make you happy

Published by Amaka Chibuzo-Obi on

I remember it like it was yesterday. The day I got married. I was so happy. Elated and in cloud 9. I had made it! I was married! Finally! 😉

“Now I could be really happy”, I thought to myself. See, I had lived a life with many ups and downs. I had encountered loss, lack, being misunderstood, maltreated and such things. I longed for some reprieve some happiness. I deserved it. I needed it!

And now, married, I felt I finally had someone to give it to me.
And so, when the normal squabbles and frictions of newlyweds started, I was confused. “What in the world was happening”? This guy that is supposed to be my happiness genie, how is it that he is so annoying. I couldn’t understand it oo.
Ha! I don enter one chance! I don marry another person husband ooo. LOL
I was frustrated. I wanted my husband to be my Joy, my Peace of Mind, MY HAPPINESS!. To know when I am upset and cheer me up. To say the right things at the right times. To live for my happiness.
I remember one evening, we had a misunderstanding (can’t even remember what it was about but I remember I was so mad at him I literally almost had smoke come out of my ears!). So mad was I that, rather than try to calmly sort out the matter, I stomped out of the house and slammed the door as hard as I could.
I left him at home and raced out of the compound. “He must beg me today before I return home. What nonsense! Seems like this man doesn’t understand that I am his wife and it’s his responsibility to ensure I have peace of mind” I thought to myself as I angrily stomped down the street.
I left with my phone, KNOWING that he would call me back to beg.

I sat down near a gutter at the end of the street, waiting for the call I knew MUST come. 1 hour passed. 2 hours. 3 hours. It was already dark. Mosquitoes chewed me that day eh, I almost cried! Kai! I don’t know what hurt the most, the angry, relentless mosquitoes or the call that refused to come.
I waited and waited, no call from my husband. After like 3+ hours, sitting by the side of the road, astride a very dirty gutter, I quietly went back home, unlocked the door and went in. Lo and behold, my guy had fallen asleep sef! Whaat? Tears just rolled down my face.
He woke up and held me. He spoke to me like an adult to a child. He told me I needed to understand that, he is human too. He too feels hurt and sometimes wants me to tend to him. He told me I needed to understand that marriage was a 2 way street – give and take. I was becoming very selfish. It was almost always about me and what I felt and what I wanted. I was taking so much and not giving as much.
I cried some more. Because it was true. It dawned on me. I was sapping this guy emotionally.
I thought he was my happiness fountain and I was drinking him dry!
I almost made him miserable and definitely made myself miserable too!
Something needed to change. I needed to be happy but I couldn’t leave that huge responsibility to this amazing guy. That will be setting him up for failure!

Living life expecting our partners to make us happy is living life disappointed! They cannot do this, regardless of how great their intentions are! It is just not in their power!

So I started looking for other ways to get me the happiness I craved and deserved.
First thing I did was to change my lifestyle and day plan. I started planning my day to be full. I started reading, working more, and doing stuff that kept me busy. I realized that being busy doing something I am happy doing, gives me an inner satisfaction and peace. It’s a GRATIFICATION.
Gratification is one category of the Happiness of the Present.
Once I started this, my relationship with my husband improved greatly and bloomed. He was freer around me, knowing that I was secure in myself and didn’t depend on him for my happiness. He didn’t need to walk around egg shells any longer.
This self-security also helped me realized what an AMAZING PERSON I married too. And our relationship has been the best for it!

The truth is that, NOONE, NOTHING and NO POSITION ATTAINED can make YOU happy. Happiness will only be a mirage if YOU do not INTENTIONALLY PURSUE it.
So stop stifling your spouse.
Stop laying a huge burden on them.
Stop drinking life from them.
Intentionally pursue happiness for yourself, by yourself.
When you do, you will be a more secure individual who will be of immense value to your partner and your relationship will be better off!

 

(If you would like to get on the journey towards self-security and intentional happiness, please send me an email to amaka@amakaobi.com let’s talk about it. Live better!)

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